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Commentary Moving from a bitter to a strong Black woman!
Moving from a bitter to a strong Black woman!
Monday, 01 March 2010 13:12 | 
How to avoid being hurt, pain and disappointment in relationships
I see you. Yes you, with the big smile on your face but internally you’re bleeding. With the bronzer shining so bright on your cheeks and yet you feel so dull and empty deep down within you.
With the nice big fake eye lashes, trapping those tears you are concealing. With that shiny gloss on your lips that’s preventing you from speaking out your pain.
Yes you walk with stride, with your head high up.... you appear so confident to the eyes of man, but you feel insecure deep down inside you. Your body, beautiful skin and features command attention but you feel like a servant.
Some look at you and call you the angry black woman. To some you appear strong but deep down inside you are really bitter. You can’t trust any man because you had so much love to give and it was abused.
You know what it’s like to stand by someone emotionally, financially and physically and yet get betrayed. You know what it’s like to love someone regardless of what you’ve heard and how they act and yet get repaid by hurt. You’ve shed tears in the past, but now... you no longer weep.
You are immune to pain now, there’s nothing anyone can say that can ever break you. Because what they want to break is already broken. No one see this, no one knows this.
I understand your pain. I know what it’s like to get so close to someone and get too scared to even confide in them. Why? Because the ghosts from the past start appearing in your mind... and you start thinking that this new one is also going to do to you what has been done before. So you shut down this person completely and get content in loneliness.
Hurt? People expect you to deal with hurt so simply... but they can never understand how deep you’ve been cut. You take longer to heal. Just when you think you’ve healed there comes a person who is ready to put some salt in the wound, and cut you 10 inches deeper than before.
So what do you do then in a situation like this? Don’t stop being a lady; just start changing how you think. Ladies, you can never heal from your pain if you don’t deal with the root causes. Forgive whoever hurts you. Yes forgive and wish them well.
What we tend to do as ladies is to forget our hurt without forgiving. I know a lot of ladies can relate to the above... but you know what? Sometimes we have no one else to blame but ourselves, so until we take control of our lives and certain situations, we’ll spend the rest of our lives trying to adjust to pain.
I see a lot of women, some in their 40’s still battling the issues I defeated a year ago and it breaks my heart that we take something as big as experience so lightly in relationships. I’m a scholar of life and here is what I have learnt in my all failed relationships and I hope this helps you too. So the next time you walk confidently in stride, with your head high up make sure this isn’t a front but how you are feeling deep down inside of you.
So how do we avoid going through the same hurt, pain and disappointment in relationships? I’ve came to the conclusion that men are very simple creatures, us women make them complicated and end up creating our own hurt (at times).
1) When you first meet a man, before anything else, make sure you find out if this man is on the track in order to get where he wants to be.. because until he figures out where he is going and how he is going to get there you will only fit into the cracks of his life.
2) Stop assuming that every man you meet wants to be in a serious relationship and don’t think that you can ever change his view on relationships. Make sure you establish the relationship you are both after before you get serious with someone who is only after a casual relationship. You’re only setting yourself up for hurt if you do so.
3) If you’re officially dating or in a relationship with someone, make sure he gives you a title. If you’re truly his woman, he should be able to tell anybody and everybody about you. If you’ve been “dating” for a few years and he still introduces you to people with your first name or as his “friend” then that’s what you probably are to him.
4) Does he provide for you? I don’t mean financially... I mean how does he cater to your emotional and physical needs? Can you rely on him to do simple things for you, or you’re at the bottom of his priorities? If you are, that says something.
5) Do you feel protected when you are with him?
6) Most men are looking for a sport or a keeper. So you have to know what you are. A Sports woman doesn’t have any rules, requirements or respect for herself. Men can smell this no matter how good you are at pretending. A keeper never gives in easily and commands respect just by the way she carries herself.
7) Any man who laughs at your standards and shows minimal respect to your values is not to be pursued. He’s just looking for a sport. Pursuing him can result in hurt.
My ladies, many times we get hurt because we allow silly things right from the beginning of a relationship. I know I have done so in the past. It doesn’t have to continue being like that. There are a lot of good men out there and until we heal our pain from the past and move on from it and the victim mentalities, we’ll keep on dating the same type of men but with different names.
Don’t rush into a relationship with the next person that shows a bit of interest. Have standards and see if those standards can be met and can sustain you in a long term relationship. I find it rather sad that a lot of women are incomplete and are looking for someone to complete them. You can’t find anyone who will complete you until you complete yourself first. Develop yourself first, demand respect by respecting yourself, don’t be afraid to state your standards even if it means you “losing” that guy. If he’s turned off by your standards then he’s not the one for you.
Be blessed.
By Nyasha Tafari ‘Ardbody